A Blinded Travel Agent

After posting the blog about calling out our fears, I’ve been faced with a handful of opportunities to act on my own advice and address my fears and insecurities head-on. There have been everyday things I’ve struggled with like fearing my child will be struck by a car in the hectic grocery store parking lot, or wondering how all the bills will be paid this month, or having a minor freak-out when one of those inch worms that hangs from the trees ended up in my bra (that was very scary...and very gross). 

But truth be told, I’ve found that the one thing that I fear above everything else is people's perceptions of me. It may seem to be a minor concern or even a silly one, but in reality, it can consume me. As I was tempted to dwell on these feelings the other day, God provided such a clear picture of how my fears of what others think of me can keep me from living the abundant life He’s planned.

I tend to play “travel agent” for our family when it comes to booking flights, renting cars, and scheduling hotel stays. For some strange reason, I enjoy the “puzzle” of trying to fit everyone’s wish list of a vacation or trip into the boundaries of Expedia’s travel packages and the extra rewards earned on a credit card. For this particular opportunity to flex my travel agent muscles, my parents asked me to coordinate their long-awaited trip to visit my brother, Drew, who is stationed in Alaska with the U.S. Army. 

Initially, the trip started out as a simple two-week, roundtrip occasion. But it quickly morphed into a grandiose, Northeastern exploration tour including an Alaskan cruise, fly fishing, rock climbing, camping out, a three-day detour to Seattle, and a partridge in a pear tree. And then there were requests about bed sizes in the hotel. And preferences of proximity to specific landmarks. And convenient flight times. And my younger brother, Patrick, was then added to the vacation package to accompany my parents for part of the trip. This was now a customized travel experience like one I had never seen. Still, I was excited about the challenge. 

So, I scheduled time to plan the trip when both of our daughters were in preschool and I could think clearly. I had a solid 2.5 hours to knock this thing out. I made a checklist. And a cup of coffee. I compared pricing on different websites, read countless hotel reviews, played with various dates to minimize the cost of travel, considered layover times, calculated baggage fees, and coordinated everything to stay within budget. Once it was all scheduled and purchased, I felt so accomplished and proud of my skills. I was excited to share the details of the trip with everyone, so I sent out a mass text to the family with flight times, hotel names, rental car details, and overall schedule for the magnificent voyage they were taking to Anchorage, Alaska. I sat very impatiently, awaiting the replies of “thank you! that’s awesome! you’re so good at this! can’t wait!” But instead, I received the following reply from Drew:

“Awesome, except for the fact that I live in Fairbanks! Only a six-hour drive from Anchorage!” 

Oops. I mean, OOOOOOOOOOPS!! After all the planning, and all the preparation, and all that close attention to detail to make the trip perfect for my family, I forgot to consider the most significant point of the trip: the DESTINATION!

As I dramatically tossed myself on the bed and threw an oscar-worthy pity party, I felt this odd, untimely peace come over my heart, which is usually how I feel when God’s teaching me something. And then He made it all click: Look how easily plans can be deterred when you simply take your eyes off what’s most important. 

I was so consumed with trying to please my family and earn recognition for my efforts that I lost sight of an incredibly essential detail of the trip. Likewise, in everyday life, I can easily end up going the wrong direction when I don’t stay focused on Him. Maybe you can relate.

When we’re at the grocery store and our children are karate-chopping each other and launching groceries in the air like grenades, do we franticly mutter harsh threats under our breath to our little ones so they’ll hush quickly and save us from additional embarrassment? 

When we’re looking to buy clothes, do we opt for the ones within our budget, or do we splurge for the ones we can’t afford, justifying our purchase with the expectation of being complimented on our fashion sense?

When we have a heated argument with our spouse, do we build ourselves up and smear their name by sharing details and “innocently” venting to friends?

When we’re enjoying a special memory with our loved ones, do we try our best to truly soak up the precious moments, or do we pull out our phones and direct everyone into perfect poses to capture the scene that will earn the most comments and likes on Facebook?

If we continue to base our decisions on how others will perceive us, we’ll live in a perpetual state of ping-pong, bouncing between opinions and beliefs and creating unproductive chaos in our worlds. We can plan, prepare, rationalize, and justify all we want, but unless we keep our eyes fixed on God and seek wisdom in His Word, then our efforts will be futile; we will never be fruitful or prosperous. (Psalm 1:2-3)

Where are you looking for recognition today? From whom are you seeking validation of your worth? Who do you turn to first for guidance and wisdom? Let’s stop searching for answers on Facebook and Twitter. Let’s stop seeking a boost in self-confidence from our spouses and online shopping. Let’s stop molding our belief systems based on a collective blob of advice from our friends and family. Let’s turn our eyes to the one true, unfailing source of meaning and keep them there. He will never steer us wrong.

Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! (Hebrews 12:2, The Message Bible)

Love always,

Megan

Duck Duck Goose: Calling Out Our Fears

Now that spring is in full force and the weather is perfect for outdoor outings, I’ve been taking our two daughters to feed the ducks and geese at a nearby pond. I’m honestly not sure if our feathered friends even like bread, but it’s an activity that easily occupies two squirmy toddlers for a good 45 minutes, so I’d like to think the ducks and geese see bread as a delicacy and we are kindly doing them a gourmet favor. 

Over the past few visits, our 3-year-old has become increasingly fearful of them. I should mention that there are small friendly ducks at the pond, but mostly, there are large, child-size, aggressive geese who like to dominate the bread distribution. Everything starts out smoothly with our bread buffet. We offer a few pieces to the polite, sweet, little obedient ducks who delicately nibble on our treats. But within a few moments, we are swarmed and surrounded by the geese beasts. Inevitably, these gargantuan geese get too close for comfort, and our daughter feels her bread is in jeopardy, so she screams to the sound of a high-pitched dog whistle and runs away. Well, as it turns out, geese enjoy chasing after mobile bread. So they waddle behind her trying to snatch the bread from her little hands. The whole point of the trip is the give the bread to the geese and ducks, but the very thing that we’re there for is overshadowed by the fear of getting close enough to get hurt.

As she runs from the geese, I chase after her with the other baby on my hip and the rest of the bread in my hand, trying to explain to her that if you run from them, they’ll keep chasing you and they’ll eventually either snatch your bread or surround you until you surrender their snack. But if you turn towards the geese, take a few steps in their direction, tell them to “back up,” they’ll calm down and mind their manners. After several timid attempts and puddles of tears, she eventually masters it and our trip to the pond is safe and friendly again.  

As I watched our sweet daughter running in fear from those geese, God offered a timely lesson with a calm whisper to my heart, “That’s the same thing you do with your fears, Megan.” 

Wow. Yep. That’s exactly what I do with my fears. I convince myself that I’m not capable of changing or overcoming, so I simply cling to whatever thought I had of success and let the “geese” of my world peck at me until there’s nothing left. 

Many times when God has placed a desire, calling, or task on my heart, I drown out the truth of His purpose for me with insecurities. I depend on the untruths of what I feel and assume rather than pressing into His truth which surpasses all understanding. Like our daughter, I’ve seen what happens when I get too close to the scary places. I know I can be hurt or embarrassed or become a failure. But God tells us in 2 Timothy 1:7 that He has “not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” He created us to step out to those potentially fearful places that expose our vulnerabilities so we are forced to recognize our dependence on Him to pull us through. 

And just like I taught our little one to step towards the geese and command them to “back up,” we have to “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and [take] captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). So when we’re fearful and unsure, we have to turn our thoughts to God and what’s true in His scriptures. We have to directly address our insecurities with spoken truth, as silly as it may feel. “Back up, fears! Back up, insecurities! Back up, condemnations! My God is all-knowing and all-powerful. He has called me into this moment for a purpose so surely He will watch over my coming and going both now and forever!” (Psalm 121:8)

If we don’t address our fears head-on, we’re minimizing God’s power in our lives. And usually, the scariest places in our worlds are where He can use us the most. So where are you called today? What person have you been prompted to love unconditionally without being loved back? What secret of your past is haunting you that God is calling you to confess and hand over to Him? Whatever your “geese” are today, don’t let them chase you. Step towards them in confidence and face them head-on in Jesus’ name. I’ll be praying for your courage.

Love always,

Megan

Today is the Day

I can't tell you how many times I've drafted a new post, but felt that it was unready, unfinished, unimportant, or unworthy or sharing with others.  Truth be told, there have been many seasons of my life that have been defined by those same feelings of fear and insignificance.  Fortunately, when God puts something on your heart, it stays there; and He utilizes people, situations, and scripture to affirm His purposes for you. Well, last week, I felt His affimirmation. I heard it, in fact.

My sweet mom was treating my girls, my nephew, and me to lunch.  Once we had assembled all the high chairs and adhesive placemats, sanitized all the little hands, and broken all the food into toddler-sized pieces, it was time to bless the food. When we do this as a family in public and I'm the one leading the blessing, I almost always lean forward towards the kids and say it just above a whisper so as to not disturb the other people eating around us.  On this occasion, my brave and bold nephew belted out his prayer of blessing for the whole restaurant to hear. I have to admit, I had to peek and do the "one-eye-open-one-eye-closed-scan" of the place to see how many people were watching. But then I closed both eyes and let his unashamed declaration of gratitude fill my heart.

"God, our Father, God, our Father, 
 Once again, once again,
 Thank you for our food, thank you for our food!
 Amen. Amen"

When he finished praying, some people clapped, some people laughed, and some people just kept on eating as if nothing happened. But my sweet nephew was oblivious to all reactions. It didn't matter to him how or even if anyone responded. All he knew was that God wanted him to show gratitude for his food, so he did. Proudly. Confidently. Without hesitation. He was performing for an audience of One.  And that messed with my heart. 


How many times have I withheld my faith from public eyes or ears because I worried about how it would be perceived? How many times have I downplayed God's work in my life because it seemed weird or awkward to share with others? How many opportunities to encourage and bless others have I missed because I lacked confidence or boldness? Sadly, the times are too many to count.  But inspired and challenged by my 4-year old nephew, from here on out, I will  choose to remember God's truth when I find myself consumed with the opinions or approval of others. 


The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. (Proverbs 29:25 ESV)


For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes. (Romans 1: 16 ESV)


What has God put on your heart that you've been hesitant to share or do?  What have you started and left incomplete that God has called you to finish?  What have you allowed fear of rejection to keep you from attempting? What are we waiting for? Let's press forward today with our eyes fixed on God and His truths, rather than the untruths we have allowed to invade our hearts and minds. Today is the day.  I'll be praying for your courage and endurance!


Be Blessed-
Megan

While I'm Waiting

I'm trying to decide what I'd like to be when I grow up.  Correction:  I'm trying to understand what God wants me to be...because I am grown up.  Am I supposed to make invitations/cards for a living?  Am I supposed to go back to teaching full time?  Am I supposed to start my own construction company (I bet I could find some really cute construction helmets)? As I continue to search for clarity, I have felt God prompting me to write-I'm honestly not sure if it's just for my own good, to have a resource of my thoughts and discoveries on which to reflect, or if it's so that my wanderings can help others who are also trying to understand His purpose for them.  Whatever the reason, I've decided to write.  And to share it.  So for now, I'll be utilizing this blog to host the tornado in my mind as I try to sift through everything that's flying around in there.  I'm not promising any logic, just honesty and transparency (of my thoughts, not the blog-although that would be cool!).  Told you, no logic.  Consider this your warning.

I was recently asked to compose a personal Christian testimony for a job application.  It took me FOR-EVER to put my thoughts into words, and I'm not sure that it will ever be complete, but I'm pretty sure that at least one person can relate to our experiences.  I figured it was a good starting point for my writing...what do think?

My Christian Testimony

I was blessed to be born into a Christian home and to have three generations of believers to support and guide me in my spiritual development.  From preschool to high school, I was actively involved in youth groups, choirs, handbells, mission trips, and summer camps sponsored by our church.  I gave my life to the Lord at age ten and I vividly remember my grandmother telling me, “Honey, being baptized is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.”  While I appreciated her support, I remember thinking, “Isn’t this what we’re supposed to do?  I thought everyone went to Pastor’s Class at age nine and joined the church the next year.  I didn’t really make a decision, I just did like everyone else does.”  Although I sincerely wanted to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I do not believe I truly committed my life to Him at the ripe old age of ten; I was simply following the crowd.  

This tendency to seek acceptance and approval from others became my biggest downfall.  As I developed as a teenager, even though I was still attending church with my family, I was quick to alter my views, beliefs, or opinions simply based on the company I was keeping at the time.  I continued this trend through college and even after graduation.  By constantly striving to be what I assumed others wanted me to be, I haphazardly bounced to and fro between theologies, friends, ambitions, and overall preferences; resulting in a complete loss of identity and self-worth. I was aware of my lack of confidence and direction, but I was at loss for how to find resolution.  I attempted many “band-aid” approaches such as counseling and medication, yet each effort ended with me giving up before my issues were resolved.  In retrospect, my dangerously low self-esteem provoked many self-destructive tendencies, hindering me from sincerely striving to find sustainable solutions.  

Throughout my wandering, I came across Celebration Church in Jacksonville, Florida and began attending regularly with a friend.  I was drawn to the contemporary worship and relevant message.  Soon after my first visit to the church, I began dating Ed, the most loyal, virtuous man I have ever known, and the one I would soon call my husband.  We had only been dating a few months when we both confessed our desire to marry each other.  A few months after that mutual admission, but before a wedding day had been set, we found out that we were expecting a child.  There we were: unmarried,  completely in love, completely terrified, about to have our world completely turned upside down.
I remember the collision of emotions that overtook me.  On one hand, I was absolutely elated to be an expectant mother with the man who held my heart.  I could not wait to experience marriage and parenthood with Ed and to start our life together.  On the other hand, I felt the same sense of fear that was rooted in my childhood.  I was anxious about how I would be viewed by others, especially my family.  Would people be ashamed and disappointed?  What kind of rumors would fly around my hometown about me?  Would my colleagues lose respect for me?  As I began playing out imaginary nightmares in my mind, I quickly retreated to that familiar place of insecurity.  When we began sharing our news with family members, friends, and coworkers, regardless of their reaction, I remember watching Ed stand firm in the positive nature of the news.  His excitement could not be shaken.  As I watched him confidently lead us in all the weighty decisions that accompany the news of a wedding and new baby, I remember thinking: He loves me and loves our situation, no matter what.  He does not rely on others’ opinions of him to determine his feelings or commitments.  I was baffled by the source of his resolve.  Then, it hit me:  Ed’s strength comes from the Lord.  OF COURSE!  

I finally realized at that moment how unconditional and unshaken the Lord’s love is for me because of how it was demonstrated through Ed.  Many truths that I had grown up memorizing suddenly came to mind and were made tangible.  Despite my countless mistakes, God sees no stain on me.  I no longer had to battle relentlessly with insecurity because my confidence was rooted in God; and if God is for me, who can stand against me (Romans 8:31)?  The Lord had taken my sin, which I was tempted to dwell on as a blemish of my life story, and transformed it into the most fulfilling blessing I have ever received: a husband and children.  

The empowerment of full surrender to the Lord propelled me into challenges and opportunities I never would have dreamt for myself.  Soon after this full submission, I clearly heard the Lord’s call on my life to teach.  I also understood that I was charged to share what I had learned to help mold young women, including my own daughters, to embrace the power of the Holy Spirit by grounding their identity and confidence in the Lord.  God immediately lead me to a public high school in Jacksonville, Florida where prayer was banned and speaking the name of Jesus was absolutely forbidden.  Yet, He provided a safe haven in my classroom where I was able to hold group prayers for our team of teachers, invite coworkers and students to church,  witness to students in prison, encourage students with scripture, and even hold bible fellowships with female students to lead them in an understanding of the true source of security and unwavering love.  The pinnacle of my year was when a shy, timid young lady came to me between classes and asked if I could teach her how to invite Jesus to come live in her heart!  God made His presence known...in a pubic school!  

I have witnessed in amazement how God will take specific fears and mistakes of mine and place someone in my life who needs guidance with those very issues.  Consequently, I am urged to seek His wisdom through prayer and the Word to offer sound counsel.  That process astonishes and humbles me every time.  He calls me to overcome my fears by equipping me with situations and Godly wisdom to impart to others and in turn, He is glorified...and all I have to do is surrender to Him!  What a freeing truth!  The more I learn from the Lord, the more I want to share and impart to others.  The call to teaching is forever on my heart.  I understand the caution of James‘ instruction that ‘not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly,’ but I continue to embrace those challenges of Christian educators, knowing that the work of my hands will help build the kingdom of heaven (James 3:1).