I can't tell you how many times I've drafted a new post, but felt that it was unready, unfinished, unimportant, or unworthy or sharing with others. Truth be told, there have been many seasons of my life that have been defined by those same feelings of fear and insignificance. Fortunately, when God puts something on your heart, it stays there; and He utilizes people, situations, and scripture to affirm His purposes for you. Well, last week, I felt His affimirmation. I heard it, in fact.
My sweet mom was treating my girls, my nephew, and me to lunch. Once we had assembled all the high chairs and adhesive placemats, sanitized all the little hands, and broken all the food into toddler-sized pieces, it was time to bless the food. When we do this as a family in public and I'm the one leading the blessing, I almost always lean forward towards the kids and say it just above a whisper so as to not disturb the other people eating around us. On this occasion, my brave and bold nephew belted out his prayer of blessing for the whole restaurant to hear. I have to admit, I had to peek and do the "one-eye-open-one-eye-closed-scan" of the place to see how many people were watching. But then I closed both eyes and let his unashamed declaration of gratitude fill my heart.
"God, our Father, God, our Father,
Once again, once again,
Thank you for our food, thank you for our food!
Amen. Amen"
When he finished praying, some people clapped, some people laughed, and some people just kept on eating as if nothing happened. But my sweet nephew was oblivious to all reactions. It didn't matter to him how or even if anyone responded. All he knew was that God wanted him to show gratitude for his food, so he did. Proudly. Confidently. Without hesitation. He was performing for an audience of One. And that messed with my heart.
How many times have I withheld my faith from public eyes or ears because I worried about how it would be perceived? How many times have I downplayed God's work in my life because it seemed weird or awkward to share with others? How many opportunities to encourage and bless others have I missed because I lacked confidence or boldness? Sadly, the times are too many to count. But inspired and challenged by my 4-year old nephew, from here on out, I will choose to remember God's truth when I find myself consumed with the opinions or approval of others.
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. (Proverbs 29:25 ESV)
For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes. (Romans 1: 16 ESV)
What has God put on your heart that you've been hesitant to share or do? What have you started and left incomplete that God has called you to finish? What have you allowed fear of rejection to keep you from attempting? What are we waiting for? Let's press forward today with our eyes fixed on God and His truths, rather than the untruths we have allowed to invade our hearts and minds. Today is the day. I'll be praying for your courage and endurance!
Be Blessed-
Megan
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
While I'm Waiting
I'm trying to decide what I'd like to be when I grow up. Correction: I'm trying to understand what God wants me to be...because I am grown up. Am I supposed to make invitations/cards for a living? Am I supposed to go back to teaching full time? Am I supposed to start my own construction company (I bet I could find some really cute construction helmets)? As I continue to search for clarity, I have felt God prompting me to write-I'm honestly not sure if it's just for my own good, to have a resource of my thoughts and discoveries on which to reflect, or if it's so that my wanderings can help others who are also trying to understand His purpose for them. Whatever the reason, I've decided to write. And to share it. So for now, I'll be utilizing this blog to host the tornado in my mind as I try to sift through everything that's flying around in there. I'm not promising any logic, just honesty and transparency (of my thoughts, not the blog-although that would be cool!). Told you, no logic. Consider this your warning.
I was recently asked to compose a personal Christian testimony for a job application. It took me FOR-EVER to put my thoughts into words, and I'm not sure that it will ever be complete, but I'm pretty sure that at least one person can relate to our experiences. I figured it was a good starting point for my writing...what do think?
This tendency to seek acceptance and approval from others became my biggest downfall. As I developed as a teenager, even though I was still attending church with my family, I was quick to alter my views, beliefs, or opinions simply based on the company I was keeping at the time. I continued this trend through college and even after graduation. By constantly striving to be what I assumed others wanted me to be, I haphazardly bounced to and fro between theologies, friends, ambitions, and overall preferences; resulting in a complete loss of identity and self-worth. I was aware of my lack of confidence and direction, but I was at loss for how to find resolution. I attempted many “band-aid” approaches such as counseling and medication, yet each effort ended with me giving up before my issues were resolved. In retrospect, my dangerously low self-esteem provoked many self-destructive tendencies, hindering me from sincerely striving to find sustainable solutions.
Throughout my wandering, I came across Celebration Church in Jacksonville, Florida and began attending regularly with a friend. I was drawn to the contemporary worship and relevant message. Soon after my first visit to the church, I began dating Ed, the most loyal, virtuous man I have ever known, and the one I would soon call my husband. We had only been dating a few months when we both confessed our desire to marry each other. A few months after that mutual admission, but before a wedding day had been set, we found out that we were expecting a child. There we were: unmarried, completely in love, completely terrified, about to have our world completely turned upside down.
I remember the collision of emotions that overtook me. On one hand, I was absolutely elated to be an expectant mother with the man who held my heart. I could not wait to experience marriage and parenthood with Ed and to start our life together. On the other hand, I felt the same sense of fear that was rooted in my childhood. I was anxious about how I would be viewed by others, especially my family. Would people be ashamed and disappointed? What kind of rumors would fly around my hometown about me? Would my colleagues lose respect for me? As I began playing out imaginary nightmares in my mind, I quickly retreated to that familiar place of insecurity. When we began sharing our news with family members, friends, and coworkers, regardless of their reaction, I remember watching Ed stand firm in the positive nature of the news. His excitement could not be shaken. As I watched him confidently lead us in all the weighty decisions that accompany the news of a wedding and new baby, I remember thinking: He loves me and loves our situation, no matter what. He does not rely on others’ opinions of him to determine his feelings or commitments. I was baffled by the source of his resolve. Then, it hit me: Ed’s strength comes from the Lord. OF COURSE!
I finally realized at that moment how unconditional and unshaken the Lord’s love is for me because of how it was demonstrated through Ed. Many truths that I had grown up memorizing suddenly came to mind and were made tangible. Despite my countless mistakes, God sees no stain on me. I no longer had to battle relentlessly with insecurity because my confidence was rooted in God; and if God is for me, who can stand against me (Romans 8:31)? The Lord had taken my sin, which I was tempted to dwell on as a blemish of my life story, and transformed it into the most fulfilling blessing I have ever received: a husband and children.
The empowerment of full surrender to the Lord propelled me into challenges and opportunities I never would have dreamt for myself. Soon after this full submission, I clearly heard the Lord’s call on my life to teach. I also understood that I was charged to share what I had learned to help mold young women, including my own daughters, to embrace the power of the Holy Spirit by grounding their identity and confidence in the Lord. God immediately lead me to a public high school in Jacksonville, Florida where prayer was banned and speaking the name of Jesus was absolutely forbidden. Yet, He provided a safe haven in my classroom where I was able to hold group prayers for our team of teachers, invite coworkers and students to church, witness to students in prison, encourage students with scripture, and even hold bible fellowships with female students to lead them in an understanding of the true source of security and unwavering love. The pinnacle of my year was when a shy, timid young lady came to me between classes and asked if I could teach her how to invite Jesus to come live in her heart! God made His presence known...in a pubic school!
I have witnessed in amazement how God will take specific fears and mistakes of mine and place someone in my life who needs guidance with those very issues. Consequently, I am urged to seek His wisdom through prayer and the Word to offer sound counsel. That process astonishes and humbles me every time. He calls me to overcome my fears by equipping me with situations and Godly wisdom to impart to others and in turn, He is glorified...and all I have to do is surrender to Him! What a freeing truth! The more I learn from the Lord, the more I want to share and impart to others. The call to teaching is forever on my heart. I understand the caution of James‘ instruction that ‘not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly,’ but I continue to embrace those challenges of Christian educators, knowing that the work of my hands will help build the kingdom of heaven (James 3:1).
I was recently asked to compose a personal Christian testimony for a job application. It took me FOR-EVER to put my thoughts into words, and I'm not sure that it will ever be complete, but I'm pretty sure that at least one person can relate to our experiences. I figured it was a good starting point for my writing...what do think?
My Christian Testimony
I was blessed to be born into a Christian home and to have three generations of believers to support and guide me in my spiritual development. From preschool to high school, I was actively involved in youth groups, choirs, handbells, mission trips, and summer camps sponsored by our church. I gave my life to the Lord at age ten and I vividly remember my grandmother telling me, “Honey, being baptized is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.” While I appreciated her support, I remember thinking, “Isn’t this what we’re supposed to do? I thought everyone went to Pastor’s Class at age nine and joined the church the next year. I didn’t really make a decision, I just did like everyone else does.” Although I sincerely wanted to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I do not believe I truly committed my life to Him at the ripe old age of ten; I was simply following the crowd.This tendency to seek acceptance and approval from others became my biggest downfall. As I developed as a teenager, even though I was still attending church with my family, I was quick to alter my views, beliefs, or opinions simply based on the company I was keeping at the time. I continued this trend through college and even after graduation. By constantly striving to be what I assumed others wanted me to be, I haphazardly bounced to and fro between theologies, friends, ambitions, and overall preferences; resulting in a complete loss of identity and self-worth. I was aware of my lack of confidence and direction, but I was at loss for how to find resolution. I attempted many “band-aid” approaches such as counseling and medication, yet each effort ended with me giving up before my issues were resolved. In retrospect, my dangerously low self-esteem provoked many self-destructive tendencies, hindering me from sincerely striving to find sustainable solutions.
Throughout my wandering, I came across Celebration Church in Jacksonville, Florida and began attending regularly with a friend. I was drawn to the contemporary worship and relevant message. Soon after my first visit to the church, I began dating Ed, the most loyal, virtuous man I have ever known, and the one I would soon call my husband. We had only been dating a few months when we both confessed our desire to marry each other. A few months after that mutual admission, but before a wedding day had been set, we found out that we were expecting a child. There we were: unmarried, completely in love, completely terrified, about to have our world completely turned upside down.
I remember the collision of emotions that overtook me. On one hand, I was absolutely elated to be an expectant mother with the man who held my heart. I could not wait to experience marriage and parenthood with Ed and to start our life together. On the other hand, I felt the same sense of fear that was rooted in my childhood. I was anxious about how I would be viewed by others, especially my family. Would people be ashamed and disappointed? What kind of rumors would fly around my hometown about me? Would my colleagues lose respect for me? As I began playing out imaginary nightmares in my mind, I quickly retreated to that familiar place of insecurity. When we began sharing our news with family members, friends, and coworkers, regardless of their reaction, I remember watching Ed stand firm in the positive nature of the news. His excitement could not be shaken. As I watched him confidently lead us in all the weighty decisions that accompany the news of a wedding and new baby, I remember thinking: He loves me and loves our situation, no matter what. He does not rely on others’ opinions of him to determine his feelings or commitments. I was baffled by the source of his resolve. Then, it hit me: Ed’s strength comes from the Lord. OF COURSE!
I finally realized at that moment how unconditional and unshaken the Lord’s love is for me because of how it was demonstrated through Ed. Many truths that I had grown up memorizing suddenly came to mind and were made tangible. Despite my countless mistakes, God sees no stain on me. I no longer had to battle relentlessly with insecurity because my confidence was rooted in God; and if God is for me, who can stand against me (Romans 8:31)? The Lord had taken my sin, which I was tempted to dwell on as a blemish of my life story, and transformed it into the most fulfilling blessing I have ever received: a husband and children.
The empowerment of full surrender to the Lord propelled me into challenges and opportunities I never would have dreamt for myself. Soon after this full submission, I clearly heard the Lord’s call on my life to teach. I also understood that I was charged to share what I had learned to help mold young women, including my own daughters, to embrace the power of the Holy Spirit by grounding their identity and confidence in the Lord. God immediately lead me to a public high school in Jacksonville, Florida where prayer was banned and speaking the name of Jesus was absolutely forbidden. Yet, He provided a safe haven in my classroom where I was able to hold group prayers for our team of teachers, invite coworkers and students to church, witness to students in prison, encourage students with scripture, and even hold bible fellowships with female students to lead them in an understanding of the true source of security and unwavering love. The pinnacle of my year was when a shy, timid young lady came to me between classes and asked if I could teach her how to invite Jesus to come live in her heart! God made His presence known...in a pubic school!
I have witnessed in amazement how God will take specific fears and mistakes of mine and place someone in my life who needs guidance with those very issues. Consequently, I am urged to seek His wisdom through prayer and the Word to offer sound counsel. That process astonishes and humbles me every time. He calls me to overcome my fears by equipping me with situations and Godly wisdom to impart to others and in turn, He is glorified...and all I have to do is surrender to Him! What a freeing truth! The more I learn from the Lord, the more I want to share and impart to others. The call to teaching is forever on my heart. I understand the caution of James‘ instruction that ‘not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly,’ but I continue to embrace those challenges of Christian educators, knowing that the work of my hands will help build the kingdom of heaven (James 3:1).
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